Road trips, "Despicable Me," and Adoption in the Movies

We will be taking a long road trip with the kiddos this summer. Growing up, my family did this often. At least every summer my parents would pack up my sister and me in our big van and go on a drive to visit family in Chicago or Virginia Beach or some other far destination. The most memorable trip was the cross country drive from New York to California when I was about 10 years old. We were on the road for almost a month, visiting family and stopping at all the touristy (and even some off the beaten path) spots. It was great! I was a bit older than my kids are now, and could appreciate the sites, the quiet moments with family, and the long conversations I would have with my Dad as he drove and I sat up front, playing "navigator."

With two kids- ages 3 years and less than 6 months, I don't know that they'll quite appreciate the long hours in the car! So, we're arming ourselves with books and toys... and a portable DVD player, something we never had on our long family trips growing up. Admittedly, when they first began installing televisions and VHS players into vehicles, I viewed this with negativity. This was B.C. (Before Children) of course, and I know I unfairly judged parents... "can't they talk to their kids or read to keep occupied? What about "I spy" or the license plate game?" Those were our activities on the road! These days though, I GET IT!! I have definitely pulled out the iPhone for my son to play with or watch "Curious George" when he starts to get antsy beyond redirection, while lunching in public. Sure, I can feel the judgemental looks from people, but I know the looks would be far worse if I just let him carry on to tantrum level!

So anyway, we're loading up on DVDs. Tommy hasn't seen many full length movies, so I went to Facebook to poll my Mommy and Daddy friends. Some flicks I knew of, others I didn't. I bought a couple of the most popular ones. The other day, we received a delivery with three DVDs. Tommy was excited! So we decided to watch, "Despicable Me." (**SPOILER ALERT!**) Things were going well enough until the three little cookie-selling girls returned to "Miss Hattie's Home for Girls." The youngest, Agnes, asks Miss Hattie, "Anybody come to adopt us while we were out?"

The woman responds sarcastically, "Let me think... no!" Woah! Seriously?! Miss Hattie then goes on to talk about cookie selling quotas and threatens to have the children sit in a cardboard box called "The Box of Shame" if they don't make their quota. Oh sh*t!  I was appalled.

Now I didn't SAY anything, but I must have made some utterance because Tommy turned to me with a, "what Mama?" My urge was to shut the movie off, turn on his favorite show, "Octonauts," and watch the movie later with my husband to pre-screen it. However, I thought if I turned the movie off now, I'd probably draw more attention and potentially send the message that I was turning it off because of the adoption theme.  So I figured, let's just ride it out and see where things go.

Tommy seemed unphased, probably because the adoption scenes were so out there and certainly unlike his own adoption story, which he knows well.  He was really just focused on the silly stuff and that, at the end, "the girls have a home now."  We actually really enjoyed the movie, despite some of the very stereotypical or negative ideas about adoption.  Some of these included:

- Orphanages are abusive environments for children.  This is seen through the horrible attitude of Miss Hattie and her abuse towards the children in her home: punishment through use of a Box of Shame, allowing the girls to be unaccompanied selling cookies until dark, possible use of child labor ("go clean something of mine"), and the emotional abuse of saying to the girls, "You're never gonna get adopted, Edith. You know that, don't you?" etc.

- Adults adopt children for their own self interest.  Gru adopts the girls, in the hope they will help him steal a shrink ray from a rival villain.  Afterwards, he plans to be rid of them.  His adoption of the girls is also portrayed as a very easy process.  He is able to simply stop in without a homestudy, visits, proper background check, etc. and bring the girls home that day.

- Adoption is not permanent.  Gru plans to get rid of the girls once he steals the shrink ray.  Although Gru comes to love and care for the girls, a friend is able to contact the home to take the girls away.  There is no process to assist Gru in maintaining the children in his home.  It's a disrupted placement and rather than provide support for the girls upon their return, they are placed in separate Boxes of Shame.

- Birth/first families don't matter.  There was no mention of the girls' biological parents or whereabouts.  The focus was on them being adopted and neglected to address their potential loss.  There is some mention of a mother in Agnes' book, but at the end this is destroyed and replaced by Gru's own story, as if the past no longer matters.

Watching this movie, one that probably many of my son's peers have seen, I realize I can't shield my kids from negative or skewed views of adoption.  My children will always know their own stories... and as I mentioned, Tommy did not seem connected with the adoption aspect of the storyline, but there may be others who see this movie and do come to view adoption in these ways.  The questions and comments will come; and I want to be able to help my children navigate these challenges.  I'm glad I fought my urge to shut the movie off... I think my children and I (and my husband) can have some good discussions down the line.  There are many other children's movies out there with adoption themes, some good some bad.  I'm curious to see more of them!

"I'm Filipino."

This statement from me, and no one blinks an eye. I am, after all, Filipino... Filipino-American that is. My parents immigrated from the Philippines in 1967 for work and, what they believed would be, more opportunities for the family they planned to build in the United States. My sister and I arrived in 1974 and 1978, respectively, and grew up in a predominantly Caucasian suburb. Our parents, however, were keen to have us involved with other Filipino families in our community, many of whom were actually friends and/or classmates of my parents back in the Philippines. We were exposed to Filipino traditions, morals, ethics, spirituality, dances and songs, and food of course!

Over the years, being Filipino AND American or Filipino-American meant different things to me. While I embrace my culture and identity, there were times in my life I wished it could be different. There were times I wanted to be more American. Despite the diversity of our society, I was still often noticed as different. Most times, it was a pretty benign notice, but other times there was negativity or stereotyping... for better or worse. Couldn't I just blend in? Other times, I wanted to be more Filipino too! Like the times I'd run into a Tagalog speaking person and could understand everything he or she said to me... but could only respond in very very broken Tagalog. And when I visited the Philippines... I was clearly American, even without speaking a word! How?! Who knows... the clothes, the attitude? At times, I felt I didn't quite fit in either culture. As an adult, I came to love that fact. I'm ME... a product of nature and nurture and society... and probably all sorts of other factors!

When entering into the adoption process, there was a lot of discussion around identity... not just our child's identity as being adopted into our family, but also possibilities of transracial and transcultural issues, as chances were, we would not be adopting a child of mixed Filipino and Caucasian ancestry. We felt ready for this! We live in a diverse area and our friends and family are also culturally diverse and accepting. Plus, my husband and I are big talkers and "process"ors... we're big on talking about our feelings and issues when they come up, which honestly, can be exhausting at times! Ha!

Our boys are Caucasian both with mixed heritages including Polish, French, English, Italian, and Canadian. We are fortunate to have very open relationships with both sets of birth parents. Our boys will know them and be able to learn some of the traditions and beliefs of their birth families, which we are so grateful for. We also try to expose the boys to different elements of their birth families' cultures in the community, whether it be festivals, food, expos, etc.

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Anyway, over the last two months or so, my 3 year old, Tommy, hasn't wanted to eat breakfast, at least not traditional American breakfast. He's never liked pancakes or waffles, is an occasional cereal eater, previously loved eggs but is now on the fence, and will eat oatmeal on very rare occasions. The other day I asked him what he would like and he responded with excitement, "rice and SPAM!" That's right, SPAM... the canned pork product much reviled and ridiculed, but also beloved by many, including many Pacific Islanders, who first came to learn about SPAM and other canned meats, like corned beef, from the American GIs of World War II. My husband and I don't make SPAM at home, but he's had it numerous times at my parents' home. When cut and pan-fried, and served with rice and fried eggs, we call this "Filipino breakfast." He loves it!

Another day, Tommy asked for "rice and soup." Not typical breakfast food, but as long as he would eat! I reached for chicken noodle, which was in the pantry, but he wanted "Lola's soup." By this, he is referring to any number of Filipino stews including sinigang, tinolang manok, and adobo. Luckily, I do make these! And I'm happy to oblige him when I have the ingredients on hand.

As he ate happily, I asked him, "You really like this food?"
His response... "Yes Mama. I'm Filipino."

I laugh, but I don't correct him. I mean, should I? What makes our identity anyway? Is it genetics? Is it upbringing? Is it what people expect of him, based on how he looks? Just like me, our sons are a product of nature and nurture and culture... and probably all sorts of other factors! Their identities are theirs... and they shouldn't be made to choose.

Starting a new chapter...

I'm Kit, a wife and mother of two awesome little boys, who came into our lives through open adoption.  My husband and I chronicled the adoption journeys to our two sons in KristinaMikeAdopt.blogspot.com.  These little guys amaze me every single day!!  We feel blessed to have very open relationships with both sets of birth/first parents, which we feel is so important for our sons. 

I had planned to stop blogging after the arrival of our second son.  However, my sister, Lisa, recently began blogging- FaithHopeLoveAutism.blogspot.com - and she inspired me to continue.  Thus, I begin this new blog!  I had initially planned to focus on my experiences with transracial/transcultural adoption and open adoption.  However, I can also envision myself rambling just about parenting in general!  While my husband and I are passionate about adoption, we're also just like any other family experiencing the wonderfully unanticipated joys, challenges, and craziness of life with two little kids! 

So here begins a new chapter...